The Good, The Bad, The Worse & The Ugly

Let me apologize in advance, this is a bit of a rant.

Okay so what news do you want first?  Hmmm…I’ll start out with The Bad (which leads directly into The Worse):

I CAN’T FIND MY CAMERA!  The Worse is…MY TEENAGER ISN’T HERE TO BLAME!!  Which means I did it.  Somewhere in my house is my camera and it is laughing at me.  For the last 45 minutes it’s had a lovely giggle while I’ve stomped around, swore, threatened it and then apologized for threatening it, cajoled it to come out of hiding, and tried to coax it with the promise of new shiny batteries to no avail.  Grrrr.  I had a lovely post all planned with lovely photos but NOOOOO…this is perfect.  Just perfect.

The Good is that I received not two, not four, but SIX skeins of Lorna’s Laces Shepherd Sock in three different lovely colorways.  No, I will not tell you which ones, because I want to show you in a PICTURE.  Grrr again.  I am also mostly done with the placket sweater from Last Minute Knitted Gifts.  How done you ask?  Well, I’d love to SHOW you.  *grumble*

Now for The Ugly…are you ready for this?  Let me give you a little back-story to this saga.  I drive a lovely arrest-me-red Jeep Grand Cherokee.  I love my car.  I have been known to admit that I love my family members more, however, my car comes an extremely close second.  Then you have my mother.  I love my mother.  On most days I don’t want to kill her.  On days she drives my car in minus 2 degree weather and parks it in a snowbank that has the consistency of Mt. Rushmore and leaves A BIG GAPING HOLE in my front bumper that she then DOES NOT NOTICE FOR AN ENTIRE DAY I most definitely need to be far FAR away from her or else I’ll be in jail.  (This is not news to her, by the way, I think they heard my cry as far away as Niagra Falls that day).  So there you have it, about a year or so ago my mother DROVE my car into a snowbank and. BROKE. IT. (yeah, I have been known to hold a grudge – I only mention this one when she’s trying to park and I’m in the car with her).  Okay, that was pretty bad (alright it was Horrible).  Well, about two months after that happened I was minding my own business when some college chick in a crappy car full of her giggling friends wasn’t looking and REAR-ENDED ME.  I kept calm.  I made sure they were all okay.  THEN I kinda felt bad for her car since it was creamed.  MY car, you ask?  A leetle dent.  I love my SUV.  (For those of you wondering, it was a Saturn and I had to give her a bungie cord AND strap her hood down with it.  HEY I HELPED and I DIDN’T kill her.)  Okay so it was a leetle dent and alot of paint damage.  So, since I now had damage on both my bumpers I was starting to look like my car was being driven by…well…by my mother. (sorry mom).  This meant it was time to get it fixed.  So, I bring it in and get not one, but TWO brand spankin’ new bumpers (yay) AND since the guy is an awesome paint man he did a lovely clear-coat on the rest of the car so now my arrest-me-red is lookin like see-it-from-mars-red *grin*.  (LOVE my car).

All goes well for a year.  A YEAR.  I don’t let mom drive my car (okay so she refuses to drive it and says something that sounds suspiciously like ‘vindictive’ juuust out of my hearing) so its still looking pretty nice.

Then we go to Lake George.

We are parked.  We are minding our own business.  We are trying to find Roger’s sister, et al.  We weren’t doing anything BAD for crying out loud.  We were even SOBER.  We are in one of those Godforsaken parking lots that a horse couldn’t fit through and some WOMAN comes around the corner and tries to juuust sqeeeeze her freaking minivan – MINIVAN.  Did I mention that a horse couldn’t fit through here?  I did?  Hrm. –  between my car and the car across from it.  Guess what – IT DIDN’T FIT.

I now have this big freaking black mark (okay SEVERAL black marks)on the corner of my lovely shiny red bumper.  Dammit.  Can I just say that her car looked like it had been driven by a drunk clown down Fifth Avenue during rush hour?  There were dents.  There were dings.  And, now there is also a see-it-from-mars-red streak going down the side of it.  Some people should just have their licenses RIPPED out of their hands, chopped into little bitty pieces and thrown to the four winds.  She. Actually. Looked. Surprised. That. I. Was. Upset.  Let’s just say that she’s lucky there were witnesses.  The kicker?  She had a ‘how’s my driving?’  bumper sticker.  I shit you not.

But there is a happy ending to this story….

I didn’t kill her.

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4 thoughts on “The Good, The Bad, The Worse & The Ugly

  1. I’m not sure if you are going to remember this, but i know that mom will… Do you remember about 9 years ago when Mom had a dream that something big and shiny hit her Subaru? And when she woke up in the morning it actually happened? And she was convinced that it must have happened when she was at work, or at Price Chopper? well.. the REAL STORY is… I hit her Subaru with the farm truck and didn’t tell her till 6 years later. She had no idea it was me. *L* I just look too innocent. well… except when I’m auguring with the cop about why he is giving me a speeding ticket. (this was after I had the ticket in my hands, i wasn’t going to let him write me up for harassing him! LOL)

  2. Oh, Poor Jess! What a crappy time you’re having.

    Did you find your camera, yet?

    Your poor car! I feel your pain. 2 cars ago (yes, 2. I’m on #6) I had a Mazda 626GT. LOVED it. DH took it to work one day and it didn’t make it home because it caught on fire just before his exit off of the highway. To this day he says he killed it. I’m just glad I wasn’t driving it, at the time.

    He has only driven my 2-year old car about 30 miles, total.

    That stupid woman is very lucky you didn’t bean her! I’m sarcastic and she might not have survived the tongue-lashing.


  3. K3 says:

    OHhhhhhh! Was this stupid biatch turning left? We almost hit a dumass this morning on the way to work. She totally blew thru a stop sign, turned, no, meandered left, and cut us off causing big screechage of brakes. (Screechage?!?!)

    You have inspired me to post my story about Leon the Neon tomorrow at work. Poor Leon had to have major reconstructive surgery.

  4. Mom says:

    Poor, Jessica. She needs to drive a bigger Jeep, a real Jeep, like her father’s Grand Wagoneer, that has a sign on the front in reverse letters which reads “You are my crumple zone”. Drive something that is big, that is rusty, has pieces duct taped back on. Something that stikes fear in New York city taxi cabs. p.s: Amanda, I want to talk to you!!!!

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