Friendly Neighbors

Because it is one of my favorite stories to tell (and because Karen asked, of course) I’m going to tell you all a fairy tale. It is about a maiden, a horrible troll and a handsome prince (who has a very cute dog and a kickass truck ;o) )

Once upon a time there was a maiden who was dating a horrible troll. At the time she was dating him she did not know of his troll-like status, she found out after about six months and an international vacation. She was dating him partly because she had known him in high-school (and wanted to know if the rumors where true – they’re not.) and partly because he played bass guitar in a popular local band. Okay the band had alot to do with it because he didn’t have the best personality (it’s somewhere between a wet sock and…well, a troll).1 Anyway, one day the maiden found the cutest little apartment and needed help to move her stuff from her ‘rents house. The troll said he did not have the time to help her because he was ‘studying’. (yeah, studying the female form. jackass.) He suggested that she call the handsome prince that lived in the house next to her cute little apartment. She was a little hesitant to do so because she didn’t know the prince very well – she had seen him at gigs because he helped the band alot so she knew him, just not well. After much thought, she decided to contact him because he seemed pretty harmless and he had a truck. She needed a truck to move her crap. A phone call felt a little bit too awkward so she decided to email him. The email went something like this:

Howdy Neighbor ;o) Rumor has it that you are the go-to guy when it comes to moving couches…what are you doing this weekend? ~Jess

Now what red-blooded american handsome prince wouldn’t resist that? ;o)

The maiden got a response within three minutes (because the prince happened to be online at the time) that went something like this:

Howdy Neighbor ;o) The rumors are true – I’d be glad to help. When and where?

I won’t bore you with the details – he helped her move her couch that weekend. Then, the next weekend drove her to the middle of freakin’ nowhere in Franklin County, Mass to pick up a desk she bought at a garage sale. A few days after that, this cute little dog showed up on the maiden’s doorstep. The maiden looked around her yard and saw the prince wandering about. She asked him if it was his and he said yes, that the dog had run away (hah!). The prince and his dog went home however, the dog kept showing up at the maidens house so of course she had to bring the dog home and then had to stay for dinner because she was living on a small income in her first apartment so was existing on ramen noodles and diet coke ;o)

The following weekend the maiden found out that the troll had been seeing another woman behind her back. After the requisite breakup scene (in which the maiden lost her temper and threw an ice cube at the troll , hitting him in the temple and almost knocking him cold in her living room – apparently the maiden needs to start throwing with her left hand) the handsome prince took the maiden out for a drink. About a week after that the handsome prince went to the maiden’s apartment and fixed her fridge (he said the door opened the wrong way…or something), the maiden then fixed dinner for them. A few days after that they went on an ‘official date’, the handsome prince let the maiden drive his black Tacoma extended cab (with a stick shift, of course), the maiden invited the prince in for a nightcap and they have been living happily ever after ever since.

Once in a while the dog gets out and magically runs to the same door that the maiden used to live behind. She’s thinking that doggie got some training ;o)

1 I learned a very important lesson from this parasite asshole self-centered f*ck troll. #1 men who play in bands generally [NOT ALL OF THEM – just some, okay?] can’t be trusted and #2 if a woman makes lasagna for a guy she’s ‘just friends’ with or ‘dating’ then that is a big ass sign she wants to sleep with him. This becomes more definite if she’s wearing her ‘good’ panties. Lasagna = lotsa work and trust me guys, if a woman goes through all that work then she wants something ;o) Of course, if it’s frozen lasagna that means nothing.